Plug Your Nose

     Among the original 150, there is one Pokemon that stands out and makes you think, "what the hell were the creators drinking?" It's actually a legitimate question since I'm sure that after a night of binge drinking and general debauchery, the guy who thought up Grimer puked in some alley way, threw his arms in the air and declared "Why is this not yet a Pokemon?"

     One might wonder how to capture what basically amounts to a sentient pile of sludge. The answer though is simple: rubber gloves and a stainless steel bucket. Don't even bother trying to do proper battle with it. I'm pretty sure the event would end something like this.

     Now the quality of your specimen will probably determine it's over all power, so you should probably think about where to go hunting. New Jersey is a pretty reasonable choice because of, among other things, those dirty chemical plants and trash barges. One might also try the bottom of a hippy's foot, the back of a high school kid's car, or a pile of used sheets from a Super 8 Motel (better if done right after prom night). But for the best selection of ass-smelling poison, you should search near your local frat house.

     Once you've assembled your hazmat equipment, it's time to venture forth into a cesspit that would make Mike Rowe go pale. First, carefully wade through the spilled beer, pizza boxes, used condoms, vomit, broken glass, furniture pieces, discarded female dignity, wasted potential, squandered parents' money, murdered brain cells, and forgotten hopes and dreams. Once you have found a suitable puddle of congealed depravity-concentrate, scoop it up with your bucket, snap on a lid, and run home to examine your new... uhhh... yeah.

Don't blame me, you wanted the thing.

What Has Two Wings and a Concussion

     Usually the second Pokemon I'd catch after Prof. Oak gave me a long-winded nostalgic lecture and my starter (not EVER Bulbasaur), was a Pidgey. This might be due to my fascination with flight or my childhood hope of capturing and training a vicious attack robin. Most likely, it's because it is one of the first wild Pokemon you'll meet with the alternative being Rattata (who can go do explicit things to itself for all I care).

     While snatching a Pokemon who runs along the ground can be challenging, the difficulty is greatly increased when your prey can circle gaily above your head and bomb you with post-digested seed. It's obvious you need to bring your quarry to ground and the generally accepted method is to chuck rocks at it (this is where the phrase "killing two Pidgey with one Geodude" came from).

     That method lacks style however, so I propose the following: Windex. It's really a simple plan.

Step 1: Buy a thick piece of glass (something of the bullet-proof persuasion is best)
Step 2: Set the glass pane outside and wash both sides
Step 3: Grab that useless Caterpie you caught earlier and tie it up as bait
Step 4: Wait for a Pidgey to come along and fulfill his part

     I like this method because it's rather passive. You could wait around listening to Prof. Oak's senescent radio ramblings until you hear the 'thunk' that heralds the arrival of your first Pidgey.
     Now sometimes you will encounter some difficulties with the vitality of a Pidgey. I'm not going to lie, the bird might actually die. But don't fret, these expired Pidgey still have their uses. Just take it inside, pluck it, and use the Google search on your Pokegear (I hear it runs on Android now) to find a good recipe for Pidgey noodle soup or Pidgey-pot-pie.

     It may take a while, but eventually one of those Pidgey will survive (I give it about 5-20% odds depending on your area), and you'll have your second Pokemon!
     Surprisingly this one can actually be useful. If you get a pair you can teach them HM02, tie them to your feet, and cruise around looking like Hermes. That'll shut Joey up about his "top percentage Rattata."

     Enjoy!