Who Needs a Starter?

     So I was chatting with my friends on campus, and - as our conversations often do - we turned to the subject of Pokemon. Now I've heard before how the Pokemon world is somewhat strange and some of the practices in that odd land border on child abuse. Today though, that argument finally sunk in and I thought 'Ya know what? It is incredibly irresponsible to take a 13-year-old, chuck a statically-charged rat in his hand, and boot him out into the wild, hoping he won't die on one of the most insanely dangerous walk-a-bouts possible.'

     This epiphany led me to the notion that there could be a much more preparative child-rearing process for these probably deranged adults to utilize. Instead of handing the child a "starter" Pokemon and setting him on the path of entitlement, why not teach him how to get his own Pokemon the old fashioned way, by hand.
     My friends doubted my soundness of mind when I told them this plan. So I have set out to show them that through reasoning... and use of my ongoing engineering degree I could devise ways for someone to capture the first evolution stages of various Pokemon, and even some of the evolved stages. Exhibit A is this Caterpie.

     I thought Caterpie would be a good one to start with because... well... it's a BUG. All you have to do is send Jimmy out into the garden to find one of the little buggers. It really can't be that hard. I mean, in Viridian Forrest you have to try NOT to step on one. So once "a wild Caterpie appears" (big surprise) Jimmy just has to do battle.
     This might be the part where you think 'Oh but my poor boy couldn't possibly fight that thing.' BULL. It might be a giant worm but it's still a worm. Besides it only has two attacks: string-shot and tackle. String-shot might be a little worrisome but it's nothing a little Dawn soap can't handle. And of course being tackled by a Caterpie is a joke. The thing weighs less than 7 pounds. Sure it could possibly wind a small child, but that just builds character.

     Pretty much all little Jimmy has to do to capture the bug at this point is punch it in the face and try to stuff it in a Poke ball. Assuming he has even the slightest bit of coordination this won't be difficult. If, however, you child is having a hard time with this, he can just trip and fall on the Caterpie with pretty much the same outcome.

     Congratulations, your kid now has a his first lame Pokemon.