Plug Your Nose

     Among the original 150, there is one Pokemon that stands out and makes you think, "what the hell were the creators drinking?" It's actually a legitimate question since I'm sure that after a night of binge drinking and general debauchery, the guy who thought up Grimer puked in some alley way, threw his arms in the air and declared "Why is this not yet a Pokemon?"

     One might wonder how to capture what basically amounts to a sentient pile of sludge. The answer though is simple: rubber gloves and a stainless steel bucket. Don't even bother trying to do proper battle with it. I'm pretty sure the event would end something like this.

     Now the quality of your specimen will probably determine it's over all power, so you should probably think about where to go hunting. New Jersey is a pretty reasonable choice because of, among other things, those dirty chemical plants and trash barges. One might also try the bottom of a hippy's foot, the back of a high school kid's car, or a pile of used sheets from a Super 8 Motel (better if done right after prom night). But for the best selection of ass-smelling poison, you should search near your local frat house.

     Once you've assembled your hazmat equipment, it's time to venture forth into a cesspit that would make Mike Rowe go pale. First, carefully wade through the spilled beer, pizza boxes, used condoms, vomit, broken glass, furniture pieces, discarded female dignity, wasted potential, squandered parents' money, murdered brain cells, and forgotten hopes and dreams. Once you have found a suitable puddle of congealed depravity-concentrate, scoop it up with your bucket, snap on a lid, and run home to examine your new... uhhh... yeah.

Don't blame me, you wanted the thing.

What Has Two Wings and a Concussion

     Usually the second Pokemon I'd catch after Prof. Oak gave me a long-winded nostalgic lecture and my starter (not EVER Bulbasaur), was a Pidgey. This might be due to my fascination with flight or my childhood hope of capturing and training a vicious attack robin. Most likely, it's because it is one of the first wild Pokemon you'll meet with the alternative being Rattata (who can go do explicit things to itself for all I care).

     While snatching a Pokemon who runs along the ground can be challenging, the difficulty is greatly increased when your prey can circle gaily above your head and bomb you with post-digested seed. It's obvious you need to bring your quarry to ground and the generally accepted method is to chuck rocks at it (this is where the phrase "killing two Pidgey with one Geodude" came from).

     That method lacks style however, so I propose the following: Windex. It's really a simple plan.

Step 1: Buy a thick piece of glass (something of the bullet-proof persuasion is best)
Step 2: Set the glass pane outside and wash both sides
Step 3: Grab that useless Caterpie you caught earlier and tie it up as bait
Step 4: Wait for a Pidgey to come along and fulfill his part

     I like this method because it's rather passive. You could wait around listening to Prof. Oak's senescent radio ramblings until you hear the 'thunk' that heralds the arrival of your first Pidgey.
     Now sometimes you will encounter some difficulties with the vitality of a Pidgey. I'm not going to lie, the bird might actually die. But don't fret, these expired Pidgey still have their uses. Just take it inside, pluck it, and use the Google search on your Pokegear (I hear it runs on Android now) to find a good recipe for Pidgey noodle soup or Pidgey-pot-pie.

     It may take a while, but eventually one of those Pidgey will survive (I give it about 5-20% odds depending on your area), and you'll have your second Pokemon!
     Surprisingly this one can actually be useful. If you get a pair you can teach them HM02, tie them to your feet, and cruise around looking like Hermes. That'll shut Joey up about his "top percentage Rattata."

     Enjoy!

Who Needs a Starter?

     So I was chatting with my friends on campus, and - as our conversations often do - we turned to the subject of Pokemon. Now I've heard before how the Pokemon world is somewhat strange and some of the practices in that odd land border on child abuse. Today though, that argument finally sunk in and I thought 'Ya know what? It is incredibly irresponsible to take a 13-year-old, chuck a statically-charged rat in his hand, and boot him out into the wild, hoping he won't die on one of the most insanely dangerous walk-a-bouts possible.'

     This epiphany led me to the notion that there could be a much more preparative child-rearing process for these probably deranged adults to utilize. Instead of handing the child a "starter" Pokemon and setting him on the path of entitlement, why not teach him how to get his own Pokemon the old fashioned way, by hand.
     My friends doubted my soundness of mind when I told them this plan. So I have set out to show them that through reasoning... and use of my ongoing engineering degree I could devise ways for someone to capture the first evolution stages of various Pokemon, and even some of the evolved stages. Exhibit A is this Caterpie.

     I thought Caterpie would be a good one to start with because... well... it's a BUG. All you have to do is send Jimmy out into the garden to find one of the little buggers. It really can't be that hard. I mean, in Viridian Forrest you have to try NOT to step on one. So once "a wild Caterpie appears" (big surprise) Jimmy just has to do battle.
     This might be the part where you think 'Oh but my poor boy couldn't possibly fight that thing.' BULL. It might be a giant worm but it's still a worm. Besides it only has two attacks: string-shot and tackle. String-shot might be a little worrisome but it's nothing a little Dawn soap can't handle. And of course being tackled by a Caterpie is a joke. The thing weighs less than 7 pounds. Sure it could possibly wind a small child, but that just builds character.

     Pretty much all little Jimmy has to do to capture the bug at this point is punch it in the face and try to stuff it in a Poke ball. Assuming he has even the slightest bit of coordination this won't be difficult. If, however, you child is having a hard time with this, he can just trip and fall on the Caterpie with pretty much the same outcome.

     Congratulations, your kid now has a his first lame Pokemon.